Life after foster care can feel like being dropped in the middle of the forrest without a map. No direction in mind and every move you make is trial and error. The systems, rules, and expectations you once knew may disappear overnight, leaving you with the challenge—and opportunity—of creating a life on your own terms. For many former foster youth, “success” can feel like an elusive, one-size-fits-all standard. But here’s the truth: you get to decide what success means for you.
I spent many years pursuing what I thought “success” was supposed to be, but when I finally got a job post-grad school, and then moved across the country for another job…and a few more after that, I realized I was forcing something that was not meant for me. It took quitting my job, during a merciless job market might I add, for me to realize that I had been walking aimlessly through that forrest, trial and error-ing each job, each interview, forcing myself to fall in-line with what I thought I needed to do.
Now, at 28 years old, I have no job and not a clue what I want to do with my career. In some ways I feel like I’ve failed at life, but in other ways, I feel like I have been reborn with so much knowledge that my head might explode from being in overdrive. I used to think that being successful meant avoiding becoming a statistic—I’ve seen too many people I know become addicted to drugs, have their own kids taken away, or end up living on the street because they can’t afford rent. “Do good, stay in school and DON’T become a statistic.” That’s what played in my head like a broken record for so many years. So, that’s what I did. I stayed in school, even when it was difficult and passing statistics felt impossible, which according to my professor at the time, it was because I was “slow.” It didn’t matter though, I kept pushing forward. If medical school was no longer an option, then I was going to try something else and see if it worked. It wasn’t until I got to grad school that I learned about Grit, which is basically the relationship between passion and perseverance; if you want something bad enough, you will find a way to do it. And I wanted to graduate. I needed to graduate. That was only the first box on my “success” checklist and I was determined to mark it off.
Fast forward many years and I am now bringing you the shocking and yet totally logical news that my checklist was completed and I still felt lost. There’s was no finish line in sight and I wanted scream at everyone who ever told me “school + job = success” because their math was very wrong. (See, Professor, I know shit.)
Success, from what I am still learning, is what I (you) decide it is. I’m choosing to define success as having a loving partner who chooses to show up every single day and put effort into the relationship, meet me 70% of the way when I can only go 30%, and someone who loves me for me and not my degrees or the money I make. I define success as feeling confident and emotionally mature enough to walk away from jobs that weren’t healthy. Success also looks like traveling the world and exploring new places, while still being able to afford a cozy little rental with second-hand furniture and mixed-matched dishware.
“Success” used to feel like a burden to me and now it feels like no weekend plans, sipping wine while watching the Bachelorette, climbing a mountain, trying new food, and learning a new board game. I have achieved a life of subtle normalcies that I wasn’t privileged to have growing up, and I think there’s something to say about how this, in and of itself, is a great success.
But, enough about me! Inspired by my trials and wrong turns, here are some steps for redefining success on your own terms:
1. Break Free from Traditional Definitions of Success
Success isn’t always about college degrees, six-figure salaries, or picture-perfect homes. Those may be great goals, but they’re not the only ones. Maybe success for you looks like maintaining a stable apartment, prioritizing your mental health, or nurturing friendships that feel like family. Allow yourself to release society’s expectations and build your own standards.
2. Recognize the Strengths You Already Have
Coming out of foster care, you’ve likely developed resilience, adaptability, and independence far beyond your years. These qualities are not just survival skills—they’re assets you can use to thrive. Honor them. Build on them. They’re proof you already have what it takes.
3. Start with Small, Achievable Goals
Success doesn’t have to happen overnight. Setting small, attainable goals—like saving a little money each month, learning a new skill, or building a support network—can give you confidence and momentum. Celebrate these wins, no matter how small they seem. Small steps lead to BIG growth.
4. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
The people you allow in your life matter. Seek mentors, peers, or organizations that uplift you and believe in your potential. Building a chosen family or support system can make a huge difference, especially when navigating adulthood after foster care.
5. Prioritize Your Well-Being
Healing from past experiences while creating a future is a lot to juggle. Make mental and physical self-care a priority. Therapy, mindfulness practices, exercise, or creative outlets can help you process your story while staying grounded.
6. Redefine Failure as Growth
If something doesn’t work out, it’s not a sign you’re not worthy—it’s a sign you’re trying and it’s redirection down a new path. Failure can be a stepping stone to self-discovery. Let each setback guide you toward what does work for you.
7. Dream Big—But on Your Timeline
You’re not behind. You’re not late. Your journey is uniquely yours. Whether it’s finishing school at 30, getting married at 40, or traveling the world at 50, success has no expiration date. You get to set the pace.
8. Give Yourself Permission to Change
The goals you set today may not be the same ones you have five years from now—and that’s okay. Growth means shifting, learning, and evolving. Redefining success is an ongoing process, not a destination.
Closing Thoughts
Life after foster care can feel overwhelming, but it’s also a chance to build something entirely your own. The trick here is that you have to want it; you have to have Grit. I recommend keeping an eye out for my next Book Talk post about Grit and how it changed my whole perspective on life.
Just remember: Redefining success isn’t about lowering your expectations—it’s about creating a life that genuinely fits you. Take pride in your resilience, honor your individuality, and remember: your version of success is valid, no matter how different it looks from anyone else’s.
Fostered to Flourish 
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